Monday, August 17, 2015

Is anybody out there?

The blog has once again neglected.  This time with good reason.  This summer will officially go down as the worst summer ever for me and my family.

As many of you learned from my Facebook page, on Friday, June 26 my youngest son, Adam, passed away suddenly. Adam suffered a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in his lung) and medics were not able to save him. 

 Many of you met Adam when you came for classes or crops.  He lived in the apartment above the store and often came down to chat with the ladies and help them with their bags. He was a very sweet and polite young man who had a heart as big as he was. I am completely devastated as is our whole family-including the ladies here at the store who got to know him so well.

I have been blessed with a ton of support from friends, family, customers and business colleagues. It has truly been a humbling experience being touched by so many.

I know that it will take time to get back to whatever is normal.  For the most part, I am doing ok.  I have a very strong faith that Adam was called home by God because he had done what he was sent here to do.  

He was a gift from God and a challenge.  He struggled through most of his life with mild Autism and mental health issues, but always remained childlike in his ability to see the best in people. He taught us so much; love, patience, acceptance - but most of all that we were stronger than we ever could have known.  If anyone had told me 20 years ago all that we would go through together, I would never have believed I could get through it. No.  It certainly was not easy.  I cried myself to sleep so many nights.  I worried about him constantly. There were days I wanted to run away from it all, but I could never bear the thought of what might happen to him without me.  Sadly, he and I shared the same fear; what would happen to him if I wasn't around?  Perhaps, this is God's ways of showing us that those worries were unfounded. Adam will never have to be alone.


This is Hoot Hoot. I looked everywhere for him before Adam's funeral so I could put him in the casket with Adam. Any time Adam had to be away from home, whether in the hospital or residential care, he always took Hoot Hoot so someone would be with him when I couldn't be. I wanted him to be with him forever but I searched everywhere and couldn't find him. Last week when we were cleaning the garage, we found him in a box. I'd like to think he's here to watch over me now that Adam can't.



So much of my daily life was wrapped up in his.  Even though he was able to live independently, he was not fully able to take care of himself.  He was unable to manage his time, money, or resources.  He needed almost daily prompting to remind him to do basic chores. I needed to manage his finances, help him with grocery shopping, laundry, doctor visits etc. My schedule was very much intertwined with his.  

Now, in addition to a huge hole in my heart, there is a complete disconnect to my weekly schedule.  I have yet to find a way to get back to any kind of normal schedule.  It doesn't help that our store schedule for the month of August is different too.  I just feel completely lost and overwhelmed.  I know I should just grab the planner and start making lists and start doing again; but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I find myself just wandering around with no direction.

I apologize for the depressing post.  I am really writing it more for myself than anyone else.  I'm hoping that maybe if I write it all out it will somehow help me to move ahead.  Put me back of the map so to speak.  I am looking ahead through the fog.  Hoping to come out the other side soon.

3 comments:

Lisa Gayewski said...

I will pray and grieve with u all the way,,,, i know how u feel... My son Nicholaus died almost a year ago... I miss him so much...i cant seem to get out of my box... I want you to know that u r not alone and everything u feel or dois normal.. friends r there for u ..embrace them.. cry with them... Jesus is right by ur side helping u to carry that cross.

Im so sorry...I will pray for all of u .....Adam was a wonderful person.. and u did that..I believe he is right by ur side..

hope to see u soon.. i left a message with someone at the store about Nicholaus don't know if u ever received it..but that is why i haven't been in....prayers and thoughts ur way..Lisa

Lisa Gayewski said...

can't tell u how many times I tried to write something to u..i just don't know what to say...I know how u feel..and it's the worst feeling any mother could have... Im not going to tell u it gets better..Im not going to tell u It'll be ok...cuz it never will..

My son Nick died ..it will be a year on Sunday... and i pray to God every day... i cry everyday...feels like im going nuts everyday..but its all normal..grieving is different for everyone...especially a child..

I did call the store left a message with someone...told them about Nick cuz i didn't think it would be in ur newspaper... this is y I haven't been up... I can't seem to move forward... but i'm trying...

My thoughts and prayers r with u always....Lisa

Susan said...

I've been in your store a few times and read about your loss on facebook. Please accept my deepest sympathy and prayers for you and your family. I believe that it was no coincidence that you couldn't find Hoot Hoot - I think you were meant to keep him yourself.

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